Shame is rarely mentioned in the context of anxiety and depression, but it is a very important element of those conditions. It is perhaps the underlying emotion that contributes most to making the anxiety condition so painful. Healing our shame is a critical part of healing from anxiety.
I suffered with social anxiety, and a very poor self image. When I had an embarrassing or distressing interaction with others, I found I went through a series of emotions very similar to grief. These were anger, followed by sadness, and then despair and depression. But where it differed from grief is that it always ended with a profound sense of shame.
I was ashamed of myself and my condition. It made me reluctant to talk to anyone about it. It became my deep, dark secret, which in turn made me feel so alone. I remember feeling so worthless that I was almost ashamed for ever having been born! How much worse can we possibly feel about ourselves than that?!
The feeling of profound shame was the source of much of my suffering.
What is Shame?
Most of what I learned about shame came not from books, media or therapists, but from my own recovery journey. It seems to be seldom discussed, and poorly understood.
Shame results from an unrealistic and unfair judgment of ourselves
I experienced shame as that horrible, awful, empty, worthless feeling I was left with after an anxiety episode. It made me believe I was irreparably flawed and broken. I felt I was beyond hope, and that it was entirely my own fault for being so worthless, and for not being able to change that.
Shame is not about any reality or truth of how we are, or who we are, but about how we judge ourselves, and how we feel about that self-judgment. It results from an unrealistic and unfair judgment of ourselves. We forget, dismiss or don’t even realize that anxiety is an incredibly common condition. About 1 in 6 people in any given year will deal with an anxiety condition in one form or other. So even though we may feel alone, and feel like no-one else suffers as badly as we do, we are in very good company.
Our shame is undeserved and misplaced. Having anxiety doesn’t mean we are weak or worthless. It just means we haven’t learned the correct approach to recovering from the condition. But it makes us feel like we are never good enough. And not because we aren’t trying hard enough, but because we seem to be unable to handle things others have no difficulty with.
Associated Issues
Shame has links to people-pleasing behavior, where we constantly seek the approval of others or try to avoid criticism. We want to be liked. Ironically, even when we get praise or approval from others, it doesn’t seem to eliminate the underlying self-doubt, self-dislike, self-disgust, or at its worst, self-hatred and shame.
Shame also has links with perfectionism. Many (but not all) anxiety sufferers are perfectionists. We are quick to judge ourselves harshly for falling even the slightest bit short of our own very high or impossible standards. This judgment generates strong feelings of being inadequate, flawed, broken, and of no value to the world.
Judging ourselves, or comparing ourselves to others serves no useful purpose
We have a tendency to compare ourselves unfairly with others. We look at their best qualities and decide we don’t match up. Of course, they hide their own flaws and weaknesses, but we only compare ourselves with the things they excel in anyway. Social media has made this even worse, because we are bombarded with images of people achieving things, or enjoying their seemingly perfect lives. We tend not to recognize this is just the facade they want us to see, and that behind it they may struggle and be just as unhappy as we are.
Our continuous judging and comparing serves no purpose, and simply gives us ammunition with which to put ourselves down. We “prove” over and over again that we are not good enough. We become completely miserable and ashamed of ourselves. What’s worse is we can’t see a way to turn things around, and might even feel like the world would be better off without us.
The Root Cause
I believe the root of shame is set very early in life, and that it results from parents who used criticism and put-downs as a form of control. This may have caused us to withdraw and be less “trouble” for them, but did so at the expense of us not developing a healthy self-image. We also felt an unfilled need for approval because we rarely if ever received it from our parents. This approval-seeking is never satisfied because our sense of being flawed and inadequate is so strongly ingrained.
Even if we achieve something impressive, we tend to minimize it, focusing back on imperfections or things we failed to accomplish. We often reject praise. To others it seems like we are just being modest, but there is something bigger at play. The praise clashes with our image of who we think we are, so we feel we don’t deserve it.
But this is a consequence of our distorted self image. We are so highly on alert for criticism, that we “see it” very often when it doesn’t exist. And we refuse to acknowledge or accept praise or compliments that are genuinely given. Our opinion of ourselves is at odds with how most other see us, and at odds with reality.
My Experience of Shame
This is how it shame manifested in my life. I was made to feel inadequate in so many ways as a kid. I received precious few positive messages about myself from my parents. When I became an adult, I took over the role of critic, and was mercilessly hard on myself. I interpreted every comment or reaction from others in the most negative way possible. A raised eyebrow could send me into a tailspin of self-condemnation and shame. I also refused to take compliments from others as deserved, dismissing them as that person not knowing the “real me” or just being kind.
The negative judgment we place on ourselves causes the shame
At some level, I think I knew I was being unfair to myself, but I didn’t know how to change that. It wasn’t until I was on my journey to recovery from anxiety that I finally uncovered the truth about shame. It was because of suffering so long with deep shame, and then recovering, that I came across a fundamental truth about this condition… …it isn’t the judgment of others that causes the shame, but the judgment we place on ourselves.
We feel like we are constantly being judged by others and not measuring up and that this is causing our feelings of shame. But it is not accurate. Shame happens when we take this real or perceived negative judgment of others, and make it our own, using it to reinforce our disgust with and dislike of ourselves. We impose the shame on ourselves.
The fact that it is our self-judgment that causes the shame (not the judgment of others) is great news, because this is something we can change!
My Recovery from Shame
Haven’t you noticed how funny it is that we are so much harder on ourselves than we are on others. That’s why I started to ask myself: “Is this how you would respond to a good friend?” So often I wasn’t being generous with myself in situations where I would have been to a friend or even a total stranger. It made no sense why I was so much harsher with myself. So, I began to change that.
I worked my way out of the shame using a multi-pronged approach.
First, I made a conscious decision to be kind to myself. I decided to treat myself exactly as I would a close friend. I started to tell myself: “Don’t be so hard on yourself, you’re actually a great person, generous, lovable. You have faults and weaknesses like everyone else, but you’re a decent person with a lot of value.” I stopped judging myself, and tried to accept myself for who I was, right then, right there, everything, including my anxiety.
Second, I started very slowly to open up to people, acknowledging my mistakes and weaknesses when appropriate (instead of trying to cover them up and look perfect).
Third, I made a conscious effort to accept compliments. I did so with a simple: “Thank you” and a smile.
Fourth, I got in touch with the feeling of shame and really allowed myself to feel it deeply. I wanted to lose my fear and hatred of it, so that it wouldn’t control my actions.
The combination of these four shifts in my behavior over time freed me from the clutches of shame.
Don’t continue to let shame rule and ruin your life. Break the “shame game” by being kind to yourself, acknowledging your mistakes and weaknesses, accepting compliments with grace, and accepting that you are a great person just as you are.
Healing Shame
Here are the steps to healing your shame in a little more detail.
- Find your Authentic Self
In the past I had tried affirmations and positive thinking to accomplish this, but these rang hollow, and they didn’t stick. It’s pointless telling yourself over and over “I’m an outgoing confident person” when if like me you are an introvert. Your brain will simply say: “Yeah, right. Sure you are. NOT!”. There is absolutely no point trying to convince yourself you are something you’re not.
Finding your authentic self requires being honest about who you are, what your strengths and weakness, likes and dislikes etc. are. By “being honest” I mean not denying weaknesses or claiming qualities you don’t have. But also not playing down your true strengths and good qualities. To achieve a strong and authentic self worth, we must find our own truth, our own authentic self, and nurture it.
- Accept Yourself Just as You Are
Unconditional acceptance means not placing any conditions on your acceptance of yourself. It means not accepting only some parts of yourself and rejecting others. You must accept 100% of who you are, your strengths, your weaknesses – your whole self, warts and all.
This requires that you stop wishing you were taller than you are, better looking than you are, smarter than you are, more outgoing or confident than you are, etc. etc. etc. It also isn’t necessary to recover from anxiety or depression before you deserve love and respect. You don’t need to graduate college, or achieve something special first.
You just need to be who you are, and accept who you are, without any conditions. While you can always strive to be a better person, nothing needs to change before you decide to love yourself unconditionally. You are already a wonderful human being deserving of love and respect. You are unique and precious. Be kind to yourself, and accept yourself exactly as you are right now.
- Be Open about Yourself with Others
Begin to acknowledge your strengths and weaknesses to others. It is this acceptance and acknowledgement of all sides of who we are, and our willingness to expose it, that presents an honest picture to the world. This honesty and frankness is very powerful. People are naturally attracted to those that can be honest and open about who they are, especially if that includes their weaknesses.
And when we are open about ourselves, there is no room for shame to co-exist. Shame exists in the shadows and darkness. When we open our heart and our soul, shame just shrivels and disappears.
- Start Slowly and Build Up to it.
It can be daunting to take these steps at first, because we have been conditioned to expect rejection and ridicule. But little by little as you become more honest about yourself, with yourself, you will feel brave enough to open up to others.
I found simple statements the easiest way. If someone commented on my reaction to something, I might say: “I suffer from anxiety”. When I was asked to do something I really didn’t like I would say: “I don’t like doing that” but then chose whether I would or not. If I was asked to do something I was afraid of, I would say: “That scares me”, and then decided whether or not to do it.
Very importantly in all of this, I gave myself permission to say “No”, without needing a reason. It is the simple honesty, without excuses, and without shame, that works best, and that heals the obsessive people-pleasing.
The Pay Off
The more we can be authentic, the better people respond to us.
While others can (try to) impose shame on us, it only sticks if our self image is low. Once we get a better self image, people can try, but it just rolls off. In fact, when we feel good about ourselves people sense it, and they usually don’t even try to shame us anymore.
Self-acceptance comes first.
Unconditional self-acceptance defeats the shame.
Healing the shame brings a great deal of our suffering to an end.
