Much of our anxious thinking occurs when we are either ruminating on past events, or worrying about upcoming events in the future. Looking to the past or the future is useful only in very limited amounts, and for very specific purposes. Staying in the present is where peace and healing exist.
As hard as it may be at times, we should try to bring ourselves back to the present as much as possible.
Ruminating on the Past
Those who suffer from anxiety often report that they spend a good deal of time ruminating over past events. These are usually painful memories of experiences evoking feelings of embarrassment, regret, guilt, or shame. Or perhaps the focus is on a traumatic event beyond their control – a tragedy or loss, or a situation that caused great suffering.
In this situation, we search for a reason, or a way to resolve it. But since we cannot fix it, we revisit it over and over. The desire to change things and unsuccessful attempts to re-write or resolve the past, inflict emotional pain on ourselves each time, and add to our anxiety. If it is a perceived personal failure, we also tend to beat ourselves up for it, as in: “How could I have said that / done that?!”
None of this serves any value of course, and appears to be a twisted way in which we feel a need to punish ourselves. It’s almost as if, being unable to justify being the way we are (anxious), we are punishing ourselves as some sort of absolution or atonement. It’s like saying to the world: “See. I do understand how flawed I am, otherwise why would I be so hard on myself”.
Negative Self Judgment
We get to look good by demonstrating we know and admit how bad/useless/flawed we are. We are our own toughest critic, viewing ourselves more negatively than others typically see us.
Of course, we are no more flawed than anyone else; we are simply human. But we have a high sensitivity to making mistakes. We have perfectionist tendencies, along with a lack of compassion for ourselves. We set standards for ourselves that we can never meet – standards that we would never impose on, or expect, from others.
Constant rehashing of our perceived mistakes or failures, or rehashing painful memories and beating ourselves up serves no purpose, and just leads to increased anxiety. If we weren’t feeling bad already because of our anxiety, then ruminating over perceived faults, mistakes, makes us truly miserable.
Accepting the Past
The past is over. Occasionally we can correct something, apologize to someone we hurt, learn from it, and perhaps improve on similar situations in the future. But we cannot change what happened. So, what can we do?
For a start, we can be kind to ourselves, and accept that what happened has happened. We can also accept that we cannot change it, while reassuring ourselves that if we made mistakes in the past, that does not make us a bad person. We are human, and we will make mistakes again. People will still like us, and we can still succeed in life.
In the case of traumatic events, times of great suffering, or tragedies in our lives, we may never find what happened as “acceptable”. But that is not what acceptance means. It simply means that we acknowledge it happened, and as best we can let it go, or at least put it in a place where we can grieve it. But we try not to dwell on it looking for a way to fix it, feel good about it, or forget it. Those options are probably not possible. We can however just allow that it happened, feel the emotions around it fully, and continue moving forward with our life.
“Allowing” that it happened, can sometimes be an easier way to think about it for people dealing with traumatic pasts, than “accepting” that it happened.
Anticipating the Future
The future hasn’t happened yet, and most of what we fear will probably never happen. Planning productively for future events can help them go smoothly. But if we find ourselves going over and over possible scenarios looking for a way to guarantee no anxiety or panic, or just working ourselves up because we expect the worst, then it leads to anticipation anxiety which does us no good.
Staying in the Present Moment
Each moment in the present, we have an opportunity to be kind to ourselves – to make a decision on what to do right now, to accept our past, and allow the future to unfold in its own time. It is in the present moment that we find peace.
Allowing the Future to Unfold
This does not mean a passive or “hands off” approach to life. It is still important to plan for the future and work towards goals, but we can do so with the acceptance that things may not work out exactly as we planned. And that’s OK. We can adjust our plans and goals as we go, but still accept if things take an unexpected turn.
In my experience, when we are desperate to control the outcome, and want things go exact as we intend, we place restrictions on the possibilities. We are limited by our own imagination, knowledge, or comfort level. There may be wonderful opportunities that we miss simply because we are so narrowly focused.
When we allow the future to unfold, life often takes us in unexpected directions, often far more rewarding than anything we had imagined!
