Why do I seem unable to let go?
In very simple terms, you are afraid to surrender. You think it is unsafe to do so, and, that if you let down your defenses, anxiety will overwhelm you. You think your vigilance, anticipation of disaster, and desperate tense holding on is the only thing keeping you safe.
But this is the crazy bluff of anxiety. It makes us feel like we are in danger, and then convinces us that “it” (our anxiety) is what is keeping us safe. Anxiety is playing both sides of the game. It is acting both as the scary monster, and as the savior. It is the arsonist who also acts as firefighter.
Anxiety is not going to harm you. You do not need to hang on for dear life. You will not have a stroke or a heart attack or go crazy if you stop fighting your anxiety. When you can accept that you are not in danger, then surrender becomes possible.
I am sure you have already demonstrated to yourself countless times that fighting your anxiety does not lead to peace. No matter what you try, or how hard you try, struggling to overcome your anxiety leads you deeper into the anxiety state. So, what else is left?
Only surrender.
Here are 5 truths that will help you to surrender.
- Anxiety is not dangerous
- I have no need to fear it
- It is safe to surrender
- Fighting anxiety does not get rid of it
- Surrender is the key to recovery
Remind yourself of these facts, especially that it is safe to release that tense grip you have on yourself, and let it all happen.
How do I Surrender?
By letting go. By not engaging with your anxious thoughts, and letting any feelings, sensations, emotions, etc. flow freely over you. No judgment, no resistance. Just letting it all happen.
Here are a few concepts that may help you visualize the act of surrender:
- Falling backwards onto a soft bed versus trying to fight, avoid, or run from your feelings.
- No effort versus trying really hard
- Allowing versus struggle
- Letting go versus tensing up in anticipation
- Letting it all happen versus staying vigilant
- Willingly versus with resentment, resignation or wishing it away
- Without judgment (neutral or indifferent) versus hating, disliking, or thinking how horrible it is.
Surrender (like Acceptance) has Many Levels.
The first time you surrender and experience some peace, there is almost certainly a nagging fear about your anxiety being triggered again. You have surrendered in that moment, but you have not yet lost your fear of the anxiety and its triggers.
The more times you surrender, the more you build trust that it is safe to do so, and the more you lose your fear of anxiety, and of anxiety being triggered.
Full recovery is when you have lost any and all fear of anxiety being triggered, because you know you will instantly let it happen, and it will come and go quickly and without struggle or suffering. It becomes a natural emotion.
