Simply put, anxiety is a reaction to uncertainty – a hopeless struggle to gain control of our lives and our feelings.
We are unable to tolerate the intensity and unpleasantness of our emotions and our physical anxiety symptoms, so we fight them or try to avoid them. But even when we have some respite, we are always waiting for the anxiety or panic to return.
However, we don’t know if or when our anxiety is going to be triggered again. It is this uncertainty that leads to anticipatory anxiety. We stay constantly “on guard”. We hope that by being ready for an anxiety or panic attack at any time, we will somehow be able to avert it, control it, or manage it in some way.
But time and again, it seems to catch us off guard, and simply overwhelms us. We then feel anger and frustration at not being able to control our anxiety, sadness that our life has been so adversely impacted by anxiety, and despair that we will ever recover. In a word, we are grieving our anxiety.
We become more and more desperate to eliminate uncertainty from our lives. We strive to control as much as we possibly can. Our belief is, if we can control everything in our lives, then anxiety cannot sneak up and blindside us.
The Cost
But, by needing to be in control, we pay a steep price. We lose our ability to accept how life unfolds, and the ability to be spontaneous. We lose our sense of humor. In the extreme, we may lose our ability to trust others, or to trust the world.
This can cause our world to shrink as we are unable to do more and more things where we feel out of control, unsafe, or vulnerable to anxiety and panic. This may prevent us from driving, meeting friends, being among crowds, or perhaps just leaving the house.
The Truth
Life is uncertain. It always will be. If we wish to re-engage with life and the world, then we must accept and embrace the anxiety and uncertainty. It is the uncertainty of life that adds the color and excitement to our existence.
Without it, or if we suppress it, we lose the joy and fun in our lives. Our lives become dull, monotonous, predictable, and limited. Thoughts of how to control or figure out our anxiety consume us.
The Solution
We must let go of control, and live life in the midst of the uncertainty, accepting and embracing “not knowing”.
It helps if we regularly remind ourselves that our fears are unfounded, our anxious thoughts are lies, and we are not actually in danger.
We can safely experience these emotions and physical symptoms without having to do anything about them. We can take steps forward in life in spite of how we feel, and without knowing for sure how things will turn out.
If our lives have become small and limited, then we must find the courage to slowly expand our activities, while facing and allowing all the fears and symptoms that show up.
To do this requires that we at first tolerate, and eventually lose our fear of anxiety. We achieve this as explained in the Acceptance Method section of this website, and in even greater depth in my book.
