We have a tendency to underestimate holiday stresses. These are supposed to be happy, relaxing times spent with families, but instead can cause great anxiety and suffering. The upcoming holidays are no exception. There are a few reasons for this, and some effects of the pandemic have only made things worse.
In normal times, holidays can trigger anxiety in part because of the expectations that we have, and others have. We can struggle under all the obligations and expectations we feel are thrust upon us, and about which we have little say. The holiday can seem scripted, rigid, and not much fun. We may dread their approach, and feel that we have to put on a pretense, in order to avoid judgment or criticism from our family. It can be a time when we are asked about our progress and achievements in the last year, and this can trigger feelings of being a failure.
Family Dynamics
There are all sorts of dynamics going on amongst family members. These have been established over many years during our childhoods and upbringing. They can be highly charged and somewhat automatic, so we may feel we have very little say or control in these areas. We may consider we have outgrown these ways of relating to our family, but are nonetheless unable to change them.
Family can be the most judgmental of people to us. More so than friends or strangers. This is because they think they know us, and that being family they have a right to be critical. They may feel they are entitled to tell us exactly where (they think) we are going wrong, and what (they think) we ought to be doing about it.
All of these things can apply even if we love our family, and they love us. Having a loving relationship with our family does not automatically mean that we have low stress interactions with them. Add on top of that our existing anxiety condition and it makes for a very challenging time indeed.
Can We Handle it Better?
It is surprising how many people suffer from holiday stresses and anxiety. Perhaps the best thing we can do is to tone down our expectations of how they should go or how we should feel. We can choose to be kind to ourselves for our reaction in these situations. We can choose to accept how we feel in these situations. Try and roll with the punches. Take things as best you can, and try to focus on the nicer aspects of the time.
One expectation that works against us is the idea that holidays and time spent with family should be among the most relaxed, loving, and safe experiences that we have. Yet it can often cause great stress and anxiety for us. We might assume that this is our fault, and beat ourselves up for it. Or we may get angry with family members when this happens. Either way it can leave us with a sour taste in our mouth at the end of the vacation. It may be a relief when it is over.
If we feel family members are being really mean to us, try to remember that they are perhaps feeling anxiety and stresses in much the same way that we are. Now of course this doesn’t justify their behavior, and it is still unfair to be treated that way. But at least if we can recognize that maybe they’re not doing it intentionally, but simply reacting to their own anxieties and stresses. That awareness can make it a little easier for us to deal with their behavior. Having said that, it’s still important to stand up for ourselves if we can, and not roll over and give in.
Impact of the Pandemic
Most of us are unaware of the impact that this pandemic on our anxiety levels. It has also reduced our tolerance to additional stress. So any event or situation that causes stress becomes magnified..
The pandemic has made these holidays more challenging for all of us for three reasons:
- We have been socially isolated for quite a while, and so we may find spending significant amounts of time amongst family members extra challenging.
- The prospect of mixing at close quarters with others might cause anxiety about contracting Covid, or giving it to someone else.
- We may have decided that we are unable to visit with family or have them visit us, and so we may face the prospect of a quiet and possibly lonely time during the holidays.
In Conclusion
So, if you can, be generous with your family members who may be experiencing the very same stresses as you. If they appear to be taking it out on you, let them know it, and let them know you feel they are being unfair, asking them not to do that any more.
Finally, as much as you are able to, make the holidays what you would like them to be. Do this without feeling the need to please other people. Stay home if you really need to. Make visits shorter if that helps.
But above all, look after your own needs and mental health, and be kind to yourself. You deserve it.
