Surrender is the Kryptonite to anxiety. Surrendering (or letting go) is the opposite of what we typically do. We just want to be free of anxiety, and we try to fight it off. It’s the only way we know, so we continue do it in spite of the fact it hasn’t worked! We fight harder and harder, but no matter how hard we fight, it makes no difference. This leads to an obvious conclusion – we need to try something else.
Our attempts to fight off the anxious thoughts and feelings, and control how we feel, are major contributors to becoming stuck in the anxiety state. A simple shift we can make that will initiate recovery is to surrender to our feelings, whatever they may be.
When we surrender, we are adopting the highest level of acceptance. We turn and face our feelings and our symptoms, surrender to them, i.e., stop resisting them and let them all happen.
As we let the thoughts and feelings happen, we do so without hating them, judging them, or wishing them away. In other words, we accept them just as they are. We accept them unconditionally.
The combination of surrender and acceptance (when we learn how to do it consistently) leads us to recovery from the anxiety state.
The Concept
The concept of surrender is very powerful indeed. Once we surrender to our life as it unfolds, it no longer matters in the same way what happens. We have decided ahead of time to face and accept whatever comes along.
Until we fully understand the beauty, power, and safety of surrendering, this idea of accepting whatever shows up can seem scary. It feels like we are inviting disaster, and that makes us feel very vulnerable. But rest assured, surrendering to life as it unfolds does not make undesirable things more likely to happen. In fact, it has the opposite effect. Whereas previously our stress, anxiety, and attempts to control outcomes kept everything constricted and solutions limited, when we surrender, our openness and acceptance gives space for things to unfold in ways we may have never imagined.
Of course, even when we are skilled at surrender, and have recovered from the anxiety state, events and outcomes will occur that we wish hadn’t. There will be things that cause us to experience stress, anxiety, sadness, anger, etc. Naturally, we prefer good outcomes, but life is always going to be a mixture of pleasant and unpleasant experiences, successes and failures.
We don’t control those outcomes; we never have. But in the anxiety state we stress and worry about them as though we could somehow prevent everything unpleasant, undesirable, or tragic from happening, and allow only happy, pleasant, desirable things in our life. We fear that by “letting whatever happens happen” we are inviting disaster. But being anxious about things and tensing up didn’t prevent those events either, but simply gave us more stress and anxiety than was appropriate. It is this effort to stay in total control that creates the stress and anxiety that can make our lives miserable and full of suffering.
When we surrender to life, events and outcomes tend to flow more easily and are less constrained by our interference. But most of all, we have a much healthier, less anxious way of handling whatever life gives us.
Don’t mistake surrender for being passive. We still work for and strive for the things we want to achieve, and take precautions where appropriate, but we do so without the same attachment to the outcome. We go into things already prepared to accept the outcome – whatever that may be. Good outcomes are more likely when we are relaxed and have clearer focus resulting from our state of surrender.
Surrender is the letting go of control and trusting in the flow of life. When mastered it allows us to float down the center of the stream, letting life carry us along. We make fast, smooth progress when we do this, with just some gentle inputs and course corrections from time to time. If we resist the current (flow) and try to stay in full control, then we will be consigned to thrashing around in the shallows, exhausting ourselves and getting nowhere.
The Effect
Surrender allows us to cope with the things that were going to happen anyway, without resistance, struggle, or conflict. It allows us to embrace and follow the natural flow of our lives. This is a very powerful, low-stress, low-anxiety way to live. It is the main element in achieving a state of peace and acceptance.
Surrender has many additional benefits. Here are a few:
- We have less Anticipation Anxiety
The tendency to anticipate problems fades. Our habit of constantly looking ahead to things that will make us anxious falls away. Our focus shifts from worrying about what might happen to thoughts of allowing and accepting whatever does happen. This doesn’t mean we become passive or “a pushover”. We can be assertive and surrender at the same time.
- We don’t Judge, Criticize, Condemn or Complain as much
When we surrender to life, we find it easier to accept others. We may not agree with them, but we don’t feel the need to correct them, change them, or prove that our view is the “right” one. We can still assert ourselves where their behavior or decisions affect us, but at the same time allow them the grace and room to be themselves.
This allows for a very honest and powerful style of communicating that has a transforming effect on our interpersonal relationships. People find us much easier to deal with because we are not responding with judgment, criticism, or expectations, but with our truth – expressing our real needs and demonstrating acceptance. They can drop their defenses and protective reactions as we are no longer perceived as a threat, and so both we and they have an easier time interacting, with much less dishonesty and conflict.
We also find that we have little time for those who are still determined to judge, criticize, or fight with us, and interestingly they lose interest in us too because we don’t engage with them. They no longer get the rise out of us they are used to, and are looking for, and so they will seek others who will engage in conflict with them.
- We find it easier to Accept Ourselves.
Surrender is unconditional acceptance. This results in less judgment and criticism in all areas of our life. One of the most profound is in how we view ourselves.
Without surrender, when we try to control everything, we have unrealistic expectations of ourselves. That leads to perfectionism. Inevitably we fall short of these expectations (we are human after all), and then we subject ourselves to self-judgment and self-criticism. Beating ourselves up for perceived failures contributes significantly to our anxiety levels.
We judge ourselves as inadequate, weak or a failure. But it isn’t our performance that is the issue; it is our expectation levels, and harsh judgment. We can be as kind to ourselves as we would be to a dear friend, yet we treat ourselves so much more harshly. Why?
These habits change once we embrace surrender. Acceptance follows, and self-acceptance too. We can actually begin to treat ourselves with kindness, and find that we really like our imperfect, fallible, human selves.
How We Surrender
Surrender takes no effort; it is just a letting go. If it seems like a struggle, then you are fighting, not surrendering. Here are some thoughts and suggestions for bringing more surrender into your life…
Do the Opposite
If fighting doesn’t work to overcome our anxiety, how about doing the opposite? What if we were to surrender instead of fighting – i.e. throw in the towel, let go, let it all happen? Would anxiety overwhelm us? Would we go crazy? If we surrendered, would we lose our mind and never get it back??!
No. Of course we wouldn’t. This is just a fear that our anxious mind pushes on us, and uses to keep us fighting and keep us in the anxiety state. We fear going crazy. We fear going “over the edge”, or that we will die if we let go. But this is exactly what these are – just fears. The anxiety state is simply a state where we are consumed and driven by irrational fears. It is a bluff.
In a strange way, our anxious minds are more comfortable when we are anxious. This sounds strange, when we desperately want to be at peace. But our anxious minds fear some unknown and vague catastrophe, so, we subconsciously feel that to be safe we must be constantly on guard and ready to fight or run away at any instant.
This is the reason why surrendering and letting go feels unsafe. It isn’t. It’s just that anxiety has become our security blanket, and we can feel unmoored and unsafe without it. This is a feeling we must push through in order to recover from anxiety. We must reassure ourselves that it is safe to let go, and that our fear that something awful will happen if we let go is a bluff.
So, the simple answer is: nothing bad will happen from surrendering. It is safe to let go.
“Rest assured: there is no edge to go over. “It is safe to let go.”
The worst that will happen is that initially the anxiety might seem more intense. But this is just an illusion too. It FEELS like it has become worse, but it’s just that we are letting it happen, so we have opened up to experiencing the feelings. We are no longer suppressing them, and facing them instead. We are letting more of these feelings into our conscious brain, and so these feelings seem more intense.
By surrendering, we are no longer adding energy to our anxiety. We have stopped adding fuel to the fire. And when we stop feeding a fire, what happens? It burns itself out. This is exactly how surrender leads to recovery. It isn’t achieved overnight, but little by little as we turn down the heat and let our anxiety fade away, recovery takes shape.
We might as well Surrender
“When it comes to anxiety, resistance is futile! “
The truth is, that in any given moment what is, is, regardless of what we want it to be or try to make it. So we may as well accept “what is” fully. In any case, the anxiety has stayed with us when we fought it as hard as we could, so why not let it stay, willingly…? Clearly it’s going to be there anyway, so why fight it?
And the paradox is, when we stop fighting anxiety and allow it be there, that is precisely what enables it to fade away.
How do I Surrender?
Learning how to really and truly let go of the grip we have on ourselves is of course easier said than done. We may ask: “How do I do it? How do I let go!!!?”
When we are in the thick of our suffering, surrender seems impossible, and we struggle with it. No matter what we try, we still find we are resisting and fighting the anxiety. So why do we resist even though we are trying not to? The answer is a very simple one – FEAR. That’s it.
The only thing between us and being able to surrender, is fear. When we attempt to surrender and the intensity of our anxiety increases, we think we are going over the edge, and we pull back in fear. We add “second fear”, and revert back to resisting / fighting our anxiety.
If we can find the courage to not pull back, not fight things, and just let go, we will find that nothing bad happens. We can safely go through the storm and come out the other side. The more we do this, the easier it gets to simply surrender to our feelings.
In the beginning we have to do it on faith. If we can just trust that it’s safe to let go, and that even if the symptoms increase we are still safe, we can then go a little deeper into the anxiety. We can let it wash over us. It helps if we actually inspect the feelings, become curious about them, but an “indifferent curiosity”. Just letting it all happen, willingly, without adding fear, without resistance. When we grasp how to do this, we move from being the victim of our anxiety to simply an observer of it.
A Surrender Exercise
What we say to ourselves is important. The approach described here is not “positive thinking” or affirmations. It isn’t about changing our thoughts from negative to positive, or telling ourselves we are happy and relaxed. That isn’t true, and our anxious brain will reject those attempts.
Trying to convince ourselves of something that simply isn’t true is fighting, and fighting sustains the anxiety state. We must instead strive to accept our current reality – whatever that is. It is this acceptance and allowing that releases the tension, and allows the anxiety to lift.
We need to authentically honor how we feel; honor our anxious feelings; turn and face them, and let them in. What we do is change how we view and react to those anxious feelings and fears. We change our reaction from one of adding more fear and resistance to one of welcoming, allowing and accepting the anxiety.
I used the following phrases in responding to my anxiety with acceptance and surrender:
“I feel _______, and that is OK.”
“Come on, do you worst. Do whatever you want.”
These thoughts give your brain the message that you don’t fear the anxiety, and allows it to lower the fight or flight response, which in turn lowers your anxiety. This may not happen immediately or the first few attempts, but the more you try this, the better you become at it and the easier it gets.
Whenever you have the opportunity, do a surrender exercise. Sit comfortably somewhere quiet. Close your eyes. Breathe slowly and deeply, and sag your body. Repeat the above phrases in your mind over and over while you continue breathing and sagging. Accept whatever shows up.
If you are too busy to do this and have things you must do, take your anxiety along with you. Let it wash over you as best you can while you carry on with your tasks.
It can be Scary to Surrender
Surrendering may feel initially like we are giving up on ourselves, and this can be scary. We are allowing ourselves to be vulnerable. But dropping our defenses does not mean we will perish and die. Remember, anxiety is actually a big old toothless bluff. It has had us fighting and running away in fear for a long time. It is now time to turn and face it, and call its bluff.
“Now is the time to turn and face our anxiety, and call its bluff.
When we first really surrender, it can seem like we are being pulled into the abyss. But in reality it is a portal to a new way of being in the world. It unleashes our authentic self, and allows us to live with freedom, peace, and with an ability to accept what comes our way without judgment or shame, and without the struggle and suffering caused by anxiety.
Go Willingly through the Storm
Basically when you surrender, you go willingly through the storm of feelings. If you stick with it long enough and with very little resistance, you will come out the other side. At that point you will experience the peace after the storm. It is a delightful relief when you first achieve this. And it also confirms for you that it really is safe to surrender.
Getting to this point doesn’t mean you will have no more challenges, or that you have recovered. But it is an important milestone on the journey to recovery. You have successfully walked through the storm. You will need to do this over and over again to build your trust and belief that this is the right approach, that you can safely do it. This repetition is also essential to ingrain this new way of responding to anxiety. You must repeat this dozens or perhaps hundreds of times in order to permanently change the thought patterns so that “surrender” becomes your automatic response to symptoms of anxiety for the remainder of your life.
Don’t Force It
Please note, there will be times again when the anxiety is too intense, or for some other reason you seem to fight no matter how much you try to surrender. Don’t force it. If you try to make it happen, then that is a form of fighting, and it is counterproductive – adding energy to the anxiety.
You may not always be able to surrender, but after your first success with it, having done it once, you KNOW it can be done. And you will be able to do it again. Keep attempting it, but don’t force it.
Struggling to Surrender is Normal
Don’t make the times you struggle mean anything. It doesn’t mean you have forgotten how. It doesn’t mean you are going backwards. All it means is that today you are struggling.
Some days you may surrender easily, other days you may struggle a bit and sort of do it, but there will also be times you find it impossible. Overall though, it will get easier with time.
“Accept when you cannot Surrender”
Don’t try to work out “why” you are struggling; just accept that it is happening, and “accept that right now you aren’t able to surrender”. No big deal. Try again another time. If you struggle for weeks, it’s OK; it happens. It’s called a setback.
Setbacks are not serious. They are a natural part of the journey to recovery. Think of them as a re-grouping. You made some progress, and now you need to consolidate your learning and move up to the next level. When you come out of a setback, you are one step closer to complete recovery. It takes a number of setbacks to reach recovery. I talk about this more in my book.
True Surrender is Actually Effortless
You will know when you have properly grasped the concept of surrender, because, done properly, surrender is effortless. It is like dropping something. It doesn’t require any effort, just a relaxing of the grip. Surrendering to anxiety is exactly the same – it is a letting go of the tight grip we have on ourselves.
The Key to Successful Surrender
Most important element of surrender is: It must be unconditional, and you have to mean it!
It won’t work if you are really thinking: “Do your worst, do whatever you want… …but don’t get too intense”, or “Do your worst, do whatever you want… …as long as it leads to the anxiety leaving and me feeling peace.” There can be no conditions on surrender. You must truly give up any expectations or hopes, and be genuinely willing to face whatever comes.
This is a very powerful, healing thing to do. If you get a wave of anger, or anxiety, or sadness, or fear or whatever, it is because these are buried, suppressed, stored up emotions that needed to be released.
Surrender if done right is a very honoring, relieving, rewarding experience. Truly giving up the fight is an enormous relief. Surrender is one of the most important elements in the recovery from anxiety.
Payoff
In simple terms, when we are faced with an anxious thought, symptom, or feeling, we have a choice of two directions: fight or surrender.
When we fight, we may (temporarily) succeed in suppressing the feelings, but in doing so, we bottle them up inside. The more we fight and resist, the more emotional energy gets bottled up, and this will surface in some form at a later date, most likely as intense anxiety or panic.
Alternatively, if we let the emotions wash over us, even though it may feel unpleasant while it is happening, it is a release. We are letting stored up feelings and energy go, and there will be a little less for us to deal with in the future.
Both fighting and surrender can be unpleasant and scary, and both can lead to a reduction in our symptoms. The difference is that fighting doesn’t move the needle in our recovery. In fact, it moves us deeper into the anxiety state. Whereas each time we surrender, we are taking a step closer to recovery.
None of us can surrender each and every time we face anxious thoughts, symptoms or feelings. Sometimes we will react and fight. No problem, there is always next time. Each time we practice and manage to surrender, the benefits are small and barely noticeable. But over time, this release of anxious energy through surrender pays off. This is how we reduce our level of sensitization and move towards recovery.
Once we have surrendered a few times, we might begin to see and (more importantly) believe and trust that nothing terrible is going to happen. There is no edge to go over, we haven’t gone “crazy”, we didn’t die, and we came out the other side of it just fine.
In fact, the most common after-effect of letting the feelings wash over us, is one of relief that we can do this rather than fighting. Fighting takes so much more energy, and is exhausting. Surrender on the other hand, though a daunting prospect at first, is so much less effort, and leads to a profound sense of relief.
It is very freeing and such a relief when we grasp the power of surrender, and choose this path over fighting and avoiding. It is a very natural, drug-free way of dissolving our anxiety and moving to a much healthier place.
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(Images by Jill Wellington and John Hain from Pixabay)
