Recovery isn’t as easy as it sounds (unfortunately), and, for many anxiety sufferers, progress can be slow. It is not uncommon to get so far and then recovery seems to stall. There may be many reasons for this, but a sneaky one that is important to know about is ; the fear of recovery.
“The fear of recovery?!” you exclaim. “How could I be afraid of that? That is what I want most in the world.”
A very understandable response. Recovery is what we desperately want. But that doesn’t mean there isn’t also a fear associated with it, and that this fear might be getting in the way. It is only natural to have a little fear of the unknown, and we don’t know exactly what life will be like when we emerge from the dark forest.
I noticed this fear in myself during my recovery, becoming aware of it when I had practiced on my symptoms to a point where they didn’t bother me much anymore. With the fear of the anxiety gone, I noticed that I feared doing the things I had previously avoided or declined because of my anxiety. This fear of stepping out into the world I am sure had always been there, but had been obscured by the much bigger fear of the anxiety itself.
I don’t encourage too much analysis of the anxiety state because it generally leads nowhere except deeper down the rabbit hole. But I do think it is important to recognize and observe all our fears. And, at this point in my journey, I could clearly see that I feared recovery itself because it would take away my favorite excuse for avoiding things – anxiety.
Anxiety wasn’t the excuse I gave to other people of course. I was ashamed of my anxiety and kept it hidden. I would come up with all kinds of ways to say “no”. But anxiety was the reason I used to justify the decision to myself.
I felt badly for avoiding things, so this was a way to assuage my shame and guilt by telling myself I had no other option, and that if it weren’t for anxiety I would absolutely have agreed to do these things. In a strange way I was afraid to lose the anxiety because it was a familiar safety blanket and a convenient excuse for staying in my small, relatively safe world.
However, this was a dysfunctional way of managing my anxiety condition, and an obstacle to my recovery.
The Bluff
Throughout our time in the anxiety state, opening ourselves up to new challenges or new relationships feels scary and potentially very painful, so we lean towards saying “no” and keeping our world just as it is.
Having anxiety allows us to tell ourselves we have good reason not to take that promotion, get into that relationship, follow our dreams etc. And by not doing those things it keeps us safe from the possibility of rejection, failure, hurt, shame and disappointment. To comfort ourselves we say we’re only putting these things off until we are recovered.
But we still feel guilty at denying ourselves these opportunities, and fear that we might be missing out on something great.
The fear of taking on new challenges can be very strong indeed. As we approach recovery it feels more and more imminent and threatening. Our anxious mind begins to anticipate all kinds of pain and suffering from our expanding world. As stated before, our subconscious mind tries to protect us from perceived threats. It associates this fear of taking on new challenges with the approach of recovery, and so it treats recovery itself as a threat.
In this situation, our subconscious is quite happy to keep us in the anxiety state. It doesn’t want us to achieve recovery because it believes that wouldn’t be “safe”. To keep us safe, it tries to sabotage our recovery by bringing up all our old gremlins – telling us we are not making progress, that we are beyond help, the method is no good, or it won’t work for us, etc. etc.
As a result, we are caught in this state of limbo where we don’t seem to be able to move forward. We feel like we are trying to recover, but we seem to be stuck. This is all a bluff of our anxious minds. Our subconscious is actually (sneakily) preventing our progress, and trying to convince us that the problem lies elsewhere.
How Would I Know if this is Happening to Me?
Well, since much of this is going on in your subconscious, it is difficult to see what’s happening. Having said that, if you frequently feel a resistance to practicing on your anxiety and find reasons for not doing so, then “fear of recovery” may be the cause. If your mind resurrects old gremlins such as: your practice isn’t working, or that you will never recover, then it may be worth considering whether you fear NOT having anxiety.
When I see this in other people, it appears as though they get so far and then sabotage their recovery in some way. Or they suddenly feel they have become blind to the acceptance method and how to practice. It is as though their subconscious is trying to make it impossible to practice the method. From the outside it looks like they don’t want to recover, yet I know they do.
What Do We Do About It?
We may remain stuck in this limbo for a while. Our anxiety is less intense than it had been, and we don’t feel we have to open up to the outside world because we still have the excuse of anxiety to placate our guilt.
But it is not recovery, and not a comfortable state to live in. There is also a significant likelihood that the moment we have a crisis in our lives we will slide back into the full-blown anxiety state. This is because we have not fully recovered, and we have not built rock-solid inner voices of truth and acceptance. Without these, there is a good chance we will respond the wrong way to the crisis (by fighting and avoiding) and slip deep into anxiety again.
But if the fear of recovery and resistance to moving forward is happening at a subconscious level, how on earth do we tackle it?
Well, we can bring the fears behind this resistance to our conscious minds. We can think about doing all the things we think we might take on if we were recovered. This could be any number of things. It will be different for each person. Here are some typical examples of challenges we may have avoided:
- If single, getting back into the dating scene, or committing to a relationship
- Seeking career advancement, taking on more challenges and responsibilities
- Changing jobs/careers
- Moving to another house/district/state/country
- Starting a business
- Opening up to family and friends
- Expanding our social life
- Dealing with traumas, addictions, financial issues etc.
It is anything we have put off or told ourselves we cannot do because of anxiety. By bringing these things into our conscious we will also expose any fear we have about them.
There are two actions we can take to get past this obstacle to recovery. The first and most important is to not judge recovery by how we feel about these things right now. In other words, the level of fear that we feel just at the prospect of doing these things is not how we will feel about them when recovered.
I can tell you from experience that the ease and acceptance you will experience in recovery will make these challenges much easier than they appear right now. So, proceed on the assumption that you will be able to take on so much more than you think. Since you can’t see that yet, proceed on faith.
Secondly, recognize we will not be obliged to do any of these things even when recovered. We will be able to freely choose. As recovery takes away our “anxiety excuse” it gives us the confidence and clarity to make choices that we desire. We will always have the final say in what we take on. We will be able to say “yes” or “no” to them with equal ease.
Another Way of Looking at the Fear of Recovery
Remember that recovery from anxiety is a natural process, and it happens at its own pace. You will never get ahead of yourself, and will develop the skills, knowledge and confidence you need at each step of the way.
If you have made great progress, and your fear of the anxiety symptoms is much reduced, but you feel stuck for some unexplained reason, consider if it might be a fear of recovery.
Switch your focus from fear of anxiety to any fears you may have about broadening your life in the outside world. Does this seem to bring up some anxiety?
If so, shift the focus of your practice from your symptoms to your interactions with people and events in the outside world. This can be summarized as follows:
- Change your practice from inward looking to outward looking.
- Notice any fear or anxious anticipation of a recovered future, and practice on that.
- Recognize that your current view of things is colored by the lens of your anxiety.
- Trust that you will have the confidence and ease needed to take on much more when you are recovered.
- Embrace any fear of recovering (face and accept that feeling).
- Move forward in spite of the fear.
This is the practice that will build your inner voices and prepare you for recovery. It will move you past any fears about recovering.
Why We Should Not Fear Recovery
From my experience of full recovery, it comes with an incredible level of personal honesty, integrity, and confidence. Recovery has enabled me to take on most things comfortably, but if I don’t want to do something, I no longer need to make excuses. I simply state that I don’t want to do it, without feeling the need to justify it to myself or to anyone else.
I have been better able to handle peer pressure or family pressure. My newfound personal confidence allows me to live the life that I choose, rather than allowing myself to be talked into things I don’t really want. It helped that in recovery I became clearer than ever about what I wanted in life.
When recovered, we don’t need anxiety as an excuse to avoid things. We are free to do them or not do them, without guilt, shame, or regret. So, since we can make our post-recovery life whatever we choose it to be, there is actually no basis for our fear of recovery.
Another of anxiety’s bluffs is revealed!
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