Lying in bed staring at the ceiling in frustration, the night seems to drag on forever when we have difficulty sleeping. Tossing, turning, getting up, settling back down, nothing seems to work. The more we try to get to sleep it seems the more agitated we get, and the further we get from being able to sleep.
And, as you will see, in that sentence lies the answer!
The Problem
Sleepless nights afflict us all at some time in our life. Usually we can relate it to a specific event or worry. Perhaps we have a job interview or an exam the next day. Maybe it is a medical appointment or a trip that is keeping our mind buzzing with thoughts. Or perhaps we are just under the weather. Whatever the cause, in most cases we suffer through it, feel a bit tired the next day, but quickly forget about the experience.
When we are suffering from an anxiety condition, however, our already sensitized mind may latch onto this sleepless night and begins to build it up into something formidable. The more it builds up as an issue for us, the more trouble we have getting to sleep, or getting back to sleep if we wake up in the middle of the night.
Difficulty Sleeping becomes the Focus of Our Anxiety
We start to imagine extreme scenarios of having night after night of no sleep and becoming so exhausted we will be unable to function. Anticipation of a sleepless night well in advance causes us to ruminate about things we could do/should do to prevent that from happening.
Should we give up caffeine? Can we find a natural supplement that will do the trick? Should we resort to sleeping pills? Alcohol? Is it too late to take up meditation? We Google for answers, but when the time comes we still end up struggling to sleep. Nothing works.
What’s worse is we start to think about not sleeping long before bedtime. We become anxious during the day, anticipating a problem that night. And when it comes time to sleep, we can feel the dread of getting into bed in anticipation of what is to come.
We might even delay going to bed by finding things to do, or watching some late night programming that really doesn’t interest us much. All to avoid the long struggle ahead that we anticipate and fear.
Ironically, this focus on insomnia and the prospect of laying awake all night, virtually guarantees it will happen. The more we worry about not sleeping, the more difficulty it seems we have in getting to sleep, or going back to sleep if we wake up in the middle of the night.
It seems like a vicious circle with no way out. What on earth do we do?
First Comes Understanding
It’s important to know exactly what is happening and why, and what your role, and your anxiety’s role is in causing this issue. Removing the mystery and misinformation helps to reduce your bewilderment. When you understand how it all works, it reduces the amount that you ruminate, trying to work things out. The answer is very simple, once you have this understanding.
Our attempts to change it by force and effort are actually the problem.
As mentioned, for those without anxiety a sleepless night is just that – a sleepless night. Left alone, it does not become an issue. An anxiety sufferer however will often react to it in the same way as they react to their anxiety symptoms – by immediately obsessing about it in their thoughts, planning how to manage it, better yet, how to avoid it, and then fighting it if and when it happens.
These classic anxiety thought patterns have the same effect on insomnia as they do on anxiety – they intensify it, elevate its importance, and ensure it keeps happening. Our attempts to change it by force and effort are actually the problem. The solution is actually quite an obvious one – DO THE OPPOSITE.
How to Treat Insomnia (Difficulty Sleeping)
Instead of reacting to any difficulties sleeping by fighting it and looking for ways to overcome the problem, we need to make a 180 degree shift in our thinking and accepting it. In terms of how this looks in the moment, we can simply lie in bed with our eyes closed and pay no attention to the anxious thoughts that bombard us.
Here are some tips on dealing with any difficulty sleeping:
- Stop trying to sleep, and just have an intention of lying there quietly. If sleep comes, great. If it doesn’t, so what? At least we are resting quietly which is much better for us than being agitated and struggling to sleep.
- Let any thoughts that come rattle around, but don’t engage with them. Don’t think about sleeping or not sleeping. Don’t allow yourself to think about how you might feel the next day, or anything to do with the future.
- If you find yourself worried about things you have to do or remember for the next day, maybe take a moment to write them down on a notepad so that you can let them go until morning.
- Don’t watch the clock. If you can ignore the clock completely it is better, but try to resist continually checking the time.
- Face and fully experience any feelings or emotions you have while laying there, without doing anything about them. Just let them wash over you.
How is this Different from Other approaches?
The old idea of counting sheep is really just a mechanism to distract your mind from your anxious thoughts about not sleeping. Its goal is to quiet the mind down and let sleep happen on its own. The principle is a good one. It can be effective, but it doesn’t change any of the underlying habits of anxious thinking. So while it may work in that moment, I would not expect it to have much long term benefit.
The difference I am suggesting is that rather than distraction, we employ being in the moment, being present to and aware of our feelings. Distraction is really a form of avoidance, whereas experiencing our feelings involves facing and accepting. This is a healthier and more effective approach that addresses the underlying thought patterns that perpetuate the insomnia.
Lying in bed not trying to sleep, but just experiencing our feelings, not only improves our chances of falling asleep that night, but it also begins to change the thought patterns that cause the insomnia in the first place. It heals the underlying condition.
We May Struggle
Lying in bed awake can be challenging, not only because of the bombardment of anxious thoughts, but also because the nights can seem interminably long. It can test our patience and tolerance for just laying there doing nothing. These feelings of frustration and impatience must be felt and accepted too.
We may feel agitated and the need to get up and do something about our insomnia, or take something for it. If you can, don’t act on this urge to move or do something, just feel it. Just experience the feelings. That’s all.
These feelings may be anxiety, frustration, impatience, agitation, sadness, despair or something else. Whatever they are, just let them wash over you as you do nothing and just lie there. This is a great time to practice the Acceptance Method since there is nothing else you need to be doing.
The Pay-Off
Ironically, when we genuinely stop trying to sleep we greatly increase our chances of falling asleep. Note, the terminology we use is: “falling asleep”, not “forcing a sleep”. Sleep is a letting go, which is the opposite of a doing or a forcing.
First we must let go of the intention of sleeping, and allow whatever happens to happen. Then we let go of any thoughts around not sleeping, or how the future might look. We let our feelings wash over us. And finally we let time pass.
Be prepared to do this night after night if necessary. Eventually it will pay off.
