I noticed during my recovery that whenever I had some peace I seemed to almost sabotage it at some point with my thinking. It was almost as if I preferred to be anxious than at peace, and created my own anxiety.
This made no sense to me, and it took me a while to come to grips with it. I did this by asking myself a couple of questions whenever I seemed to almost deliberately undermine any peace I had. It can be helpful to ask ourselves questions about our anxiety, as long as they aren’t from a point of trying to work things out, but rather a way of pointing our mind to an awareness of the bluff.
I used to ask myself the question: “Why do I create my own anxiety?” when I saw myself doing it. For example, I would be driving somewhere perfectly OK and then “remember” that I was an anxiety sufferer and start to have anxious thoughts until I had worked myself up into a state for no reason. Nothing had changed from when I got in the car other than my thinking. I could see myself doing it, but I seemed unable to stop myself.
Anxiety is Part Habit, Part Memory
While memories could trigger my anxiety, my reaction was a learned behavior. I saw it as a habit, or even an addiction to adrenaline or to the feeling of being anxious.
Anxiety was strangely comforting, whereas being at peace was somehow scary because it felt like an unfamiliar void and could be filled by “who knows what”. Peace felt like a loss of control; anxiety felt like a highly unpleasant yet familiar distraction. I no longer wanted the anxiety, but it did have a comfort born of this familiarity.
Anyway, back to my question: “Why do I create my own anxiety?” I realized I had to ask it and keep asking it without wanting or looking for an answer. I knew deep down (my right inner voice) that it was just what I did, and what I had done my whole life in the anxiety state. Just bringing my awareness to this question helped begin the change.
I also asked the question: “Why am I afraid to be at peace?” since I was aware of a discomfort when I was at peace. It felt that if I was at peace I would have to really face the big wide world without my safety blanket – my mask and filter of anxiety to hide behind. Again, I knew enough not to look for an answer or try to change anything, but just bring my awareness to this discomfort that seemed to be a barrier between me and recovery.
If we look for or expect answers to these types of questions, then we will be dragged into trying to work everything out, and this just creates tension and anxiety, and is counterproductive to our recovery. The answers themselves are really irrelevant because the path to recovery is always the same – to face and accept whatever is going on for us in each moment.
We Have (subconsciously) Done it to Ourselves.
The truth is we have always created our own anxiety. Sure, there may have been some incidents from time to time that rightfully caused anxiety, but the kind of anxiety that we experience in the anxiety state is self-created.
I am not saying it is our fault; there is no blame in this. Blame, just like guilt, is an unproductive path to go down. We were simply unaware how our reaction was the only thing feeding the anxiety state, and no clue what to do about it. It was all happening at our subconscious level; we just noticed the thoughts and symptoms that were the result.
Once we are aware of our reaction, it can be quite strange to be able to see it in action, and realize we are powerless to stop it. We can reach the point where we see the bluff so clearly, but we still keep falling for it. Luckily, one of the paradoxes of the Acceptance Method is that we don’t have to stop or change our reaction in order to recover. And we mustn’t even try.
We Don’t Have to Stop Our Reaction, Just Face and Accept It.
We cannot overcome our anxiety state by force of will; my goodness how we have tried. All the progress to recovery takes place by learning about our way of thinking/reacting, observing it, and lastly accepting it. When it is exposed to the light, and allowed to play out without interference, it loses its power. Gradually.
This is both the paradox and the magic of the method… …recovery happens not by trying to recover, but by accepting being in the anxiety state.
